DISSOCIATIVE EPISODE AS GAUSSIAN BLUR

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THE MULTITOOL

It's after school or maybe the weekend.
You're unattended at your parents' workplace
with access to three notable objects: a 10-inch TV,
a landline phone, and your father's wallet.
You are old enough to understand
the life your family expects for you.
You'll do well in academics, sports, art, music,
leadership. Go to a top college.
Pick a lucrative career. Your parents,
they're not that hardline about it.
They let you read what you want.
You get to play. But you take tests
and receive praise. You're picking up
what they're putting down. You've accepted
the premise. But then you see it,
TV tuned to QVC. The multitool.
Let me be clear, it isn't just a knife—
it is several knives that each unfold
from a handsome matte plastic shell,
plus a compass, bottle and can openers,
magnifying glass for starting fires,
and a little receptacle for fish-hooks and line.
The multitool contains so much possibility.
Only cowards ask permission. Besides,
there is no permission in the wild.
You're going to be self-sufficient,
living ably in the woods and foraging
for nuts and seeds. Skinning squirrels
to make mittens, roasting the meat
on a spit over an open flame,
stripping the crackling flesh, smokey and
delectable, after a long day in fresh air.
You make the call, read the operator
the numbers on the credit card
that isn't yours, a final parting gift.
This new life is coming, like a train
rumbling the tracks—you can feel its
mass approach before you see it
through the trees. There's no going back.
The weight on your shoulders lifts.
They'll miss you for a while, sure.
But you were bound to disappoint.
It's better to go now, while you can.
Before they find out what you are.

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ON DISSOCIATIVE EPISODE AS GAUSSIAN BLUR: I wrote this after having a falling out with someone and then spending a week mysteriously invested in drawing a series of pugs (pugs in hats! pugs playing basketball! pugs at the beach! etc) in photoshop. My husband gently pointed out I was probably doing this to avoid my negative emotions, so I considered the digital tools at my disposal to express my feelings / non-feelings and wrote this poem.

ON THE MULTITOOL: This poem, to me, is about how scary desire can be for children, before you know you want basically the same stuff everybody else wants.