Table of Contents



Alyson Mosquera Dutemple


A: A few minor recipe adjustments should enable you to take your pie anywhere you wish. To a housewarming, for example, or the basement of an ex-lover's house. Keep in mind that if your ex-lover is away, the dehumidifier may be turned off and the resulting humidity level underground may affect the firmness of your crust.

If, say, your ex-lover is in Bermuda with a new flame, and it is a cold winter in your heart, the pie may need additional set time in your ex's basement. If the filling is underbaked, try staying the night. To dry out the center, place the pie directly under the room where your ex-lover's new conjugal bed is stationed. Whisper dirty talk while standing under the floorboards of the suite. Breathe it into the pie until it bakes by your breath and the middle is no longer runny.

If your pie is overdone, you are also in luck. Cutting up naked Polaroids of yourself may reverse cook time. Locate the films in the correct storage bin in the basement, where they have been secretly stashed between a file of old tax returns and your ex's favorite bong from college. Moving left to right, snip your denuded photographed skin, carefully avoiding the area adjacent to your mouth. Repeat until the pie unbakes itself and only a pile of your lips remains.

When the filling is heated through, and/or the crust has thoroughly unbrittled, congratulations! It's time for a taste test. Sample your pie's doneness using a special occasion fork. The heirloom silver lovingly polished by your family for generations before being smuggled from your apartment in the bottom of your ex's laundry basket should do the trick. For best results, select only the utensils most dulled by your ex's careless handling. Be aware that the spacing of the tines on the fork may affect the taste of the carelessness. Try several forks until the carelessness tastes just right.

When your pie is finally ready to serve, you will know it by the rendering you experience in your gut. Slice the finished product into equal portions, one for each month of infidelity, then rinse the pie server in your ex's slop sink, leaving just enough residue of berries and sweetmeats to permanently stain the basin. With a little tweaking here and there, this pie makes for a wonderful host or hostess gift!




I don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen, but I do spend a lot of time writing about frustration and disappointment, two things that often seem to go hand in hand with following recipes. Because of that, the occasional kitchen fail has been known to make its way into my stories.