[ToC]

 

DOOROGRAPHICAL DIVISIONS

Ryan Ridge

To get a better handle on Doors, let us begin by approaching them in their various forms.

Things to consider:

1.) Open Doors are invitations.
2.) Locked Doors often dabble in the occult.    
3.) Keys are the keys to proper operation.
4.) Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times it rings the Doorbell.
5.) Knob placement.

 

Figure 1 Front Door sans Knob

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FRONT DOOR

Usually preceded by Porch, the Front Door (also referred to as the Alpha Door) is fastened to the beginning of the American Home. When American Homes are anthropomorphized in children's books, the Front Door is generally depicted as a mouth. It is the preferred Door of the Jesus is the Answer People, and in most cases, welcome mats, flags and mailboxes are positioned nearby. Oftentimes, it is the Door that one refers to in the phrase: "Answer the Door." Hence it accumulates more Annual Knuckle Precipitation than both the Back Door and Side Door combined. As the eminent matriarch of entranceways, the Front Door mothers us into the dwelling. Generally these "mothers" are wired with electronic chimes (See: Doorbells), which announce the arrival of "guests," and rarely as "guests" do we not find ourselves attracted to Front Doors. However, they remain apathetic to our arrivals. Yet this indifference only arouses us further. We yearn to enter them.

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BACK DOOR

The Back Door (also called the "Omega Door") is the Front Door in reverse, except on Opposite Day when the Back Door impersonates the Front Door for a full 24 hours. Among American canines, it is favored due to its close proximity to the Backyard (See: Lawn School) or the Pet Door (See: Pet Door). Among provincial rednecks, Back Door guests are deemed best. Among pornographers, the Back Door is a clever marketing strategy. Among adulterers, the Back Door is the most common entrance and exit. However, the Back Door remains a mystery to Mormons and continues to elude most mailmen. The Back Door's favorite saying is, "If you gaze long enough into a backyard, the backyard will gaze back into you."

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SIDE DOOR

A Side Door (also known as the "Submariner") is secured to the American Home's hips. Commonly preceded by Driveway (See: Driveway Divisions), it is unanimously championed for its efficiency and has a reputation as the German of American Doors. Groceries and meter men tend to pass through them with ease, and garbage cans and raccoons are prone to loiter in their vicinities. If an argument occurs in an American Home, the Side Door will remain neutral and provide an adequate escape route for the less aggressive party.  "Right this way," it will say, because the Side Door is like that.

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GARAGE DOOR

The Garage Door (also referred to as the "Automotive Tonsil") is the only exterior Door large enough for a Cadillac to enter. Usually operated by remote control, the Garage Door is said to possess keen psychic abilities. Not only does it sense your arrival prior to your arrival, it knows which pair of shoes you will wear to work ten minutes before you do.

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PATIO DOORS

Patio Doors are notorious Window impersonators. Typically made of glass, these Doors resemble Picture Windows (See: Window Types) and are deceptively camouflaged by comparison. Not only do these bizarre Doors impersonate Windows, they slide back and forth, side-to-side; horizontal, and act real shifty... "Trust me," they seem to say. And never trust any remarks prefaced with those words. Also: Never trust a Patio Door! And: When a dead bird appears on your American patio, nine times out of ten, the Patio Door will not have an alibi if questioned.     

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SCREEN DOORS

Screen Doors. I could give a shit about Screen Doors! They're always flapping in the American breeze and falling apart.

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STORM DOORS

Although Storm Doors (AKA "Element Deflectors") have long been ostracized by peers because of their inherently bad tempers, Storm Doors are the frontline doorographical defense against both natural and unnatural elemental tyranny. Not only do Storm Doors repel annoying insects, bad weather, and dangerous criminals, they provide the American Home with both adequate ventilation and optimal visibility. Since, on a daily basis, Storm Doors sacrifice their well being for the sake of the greater home, and in turn receive little or no praise, they often become unhinged and develop self-destructive tendencies. Many become addicted to hardcore Door pornography, many more to drugs and alcohol. For this reason, a large number of Storm Doors turn to twelve step programs or Evangelical mega-churches for support. In fact, according to the Nu American Center for Statistical Analysis (AKA NACSA), in 2001, unhinged Storm Doors comprised 5% of the nation's Evangelical population. 

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THE CELLAR DOOR

The Cellar Door is an exceptional Door despite the fact that it is the preferred Door for American junkies to knock on (Listen to: "Needle and the Damage Done" by Neil Young). Aside from its loose ties to heroin addiction, the Cellar Door is a marvelous Door. Stop. Say its name. Cellar Door. Doesn't that sound wonderful? Cellar Door. Ah! Aside from being blessed with a beautiful name, the Cellar Door is unique because it opens vertically rather than horizontally. Also: (like the Basement Door) it opens to Steps (See: 12 Steps). Cellar Door, Cellar Door, Cellar Door, so glad you are, so glad you are, so glad you are.

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PET DOORS

A Pet Door is a Door within a Door. However, upon further inspection, it does not appear to be a Door at all, but rather a spring-loaded-flap mounted to the zenith of an opening cut into the lower-portion of an Exterior Access Door, thus enabling American pets to wander in and out of the American Home at their convenience. The Pet Door raises certain moral and philosophical questions in the doorographical community. Is a Door a Door if a human being cannot fit through it? Is a Door a Door if it does not have a knob? Is it wrong to destroy a Pet Door after the tragic death of a pet? These questions remain unanswered.

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VARIOUS INTERIOR DOORS

Various Interior Doors (AKA VID's) are found in a variety of locations throughout the American Home, each with a specific function.

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ATTIC DOOR

Since days flip past listlessly in the back catalogue collecting dust (See: Attic), the Attic Door is often considered a portal to the past. It is also considered the entranceway to a place where superstitious acts occur in order to insure safe operation of modern household machinery. The Attic Door is less of a Door and more of a roped hatch cut into the ceiling, sometimes wall, which if pulled properly will give way to Steps (See: 12 Steps). Each step will take you closer to your childhood, yet somehow you will maintain your status in the municipal phone book. As previously mentioned, the Attic Door is shy a knob and keen on string. Give it a pull. Your past anticipates. 

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THE BASEMENT DOOR

Favored by American horror directors, the Basement Door separates the American Home into different attitudes. The underground attitude (See: Basement) is the preferred Bong Room (See: Different Voices/Different Rooms) by American stoners so the Basement Door (Aka the "Debasement Door") acts as the principal aroma sentinel. Aside from the Attic Door and Cellar Door, the Basement Door is the only other domestic Door that opens to Steps (See: 12 Steps). The Basement Door is often considered the creepiest VID, and for good reason too, because according to NACSA in 5 homes out of 10, strange things occur behind it.

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BATHROOM DOORS

Initially designed as an architectural deodorant, these Doors functioned for 5.9 decades as the Chief Odor Guards of American Homes—protecting occupants' noses from olfactory disturbances. However, this changed dramatically in 1969 with Antonio Lysol's groundbreaking invention of the portable, pine-scented-aerosol-canister. After Lysol, Bathroom Doors were effectively relieved of their duties as aroma masks. But when one door closes another opens. Nowadays, Bathroom Doors proudly serve as domestic privacy shields; reliable structures for compulsive masturbators, bashful defecators, and wayward urinators to hide behind.

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BEDROOM DOORS

Bedroom Doors obstruct visible signs of fornication. Because of this essential function, the Bedroom Door (AKA Cupid's Flap) is the most revered door of the Various Interiors. It is a Door's Door, as well as a Doer's Door. Americans get made behind these Doors. They also get naked.

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CABINET DOORS

Imposters!

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CLOSET DOORS

Characterized by its close relationship with the Closet (See: Interior Storage Units), the Closet Door (also known as "Latent Homosexual Dreamcatcher") is perhaps the most enigmatic of domestic Doors. What the Closet Door does not say is oftentimes more telling than what it does. It beckons people inside, only to eject them. When a person enters a Closet Door, they are one way. However, when a person exits a Closet Door, they are another. For this reason, we must consider the Closet Door a magical partition. For it separates Truth from Reality, Reality from Truth, and attempts to merge the two together. Ambitious to say the least.

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FALLOUT SHELTER DOOR

Found in 50% of American Homes in the state of Utah, as well as 100% of the American Homes of U.S. Senators, the Fallout Shelter Door is the gateway to a post-apocalyptic orgy of straw men (Think: Mad Max for Mormons and the Power Elite, then try to remove the stain that such an image will produce).  

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TRAPDOOR

The Trapdoor is also known as a "Secret Passage." Where to? Can't say. Trapdoors are the best-kept secrets of American Homes. All homes have their secrets, but American Homes in particular like to gossip. A great place to gossip is inside of a Panic Room (See: Secret Rooms).

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DOORBELL

Necessitated by centuries of sore knuckles, the Doorbell (AKA "Home Larynx") is a magical, melodic button, located around the summit of the (front) Doorknob. If pushed properly, the Doorbell will conjure cryogenic housewives from benzo dreams. If pushed repeatedly, angry septuagenereans may emerge with golf clubs. If a Doorbell rings and no one is home a tree falling in an abandoned forest will make a beautiful sound.

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Genesis: I caught Oliver Stone's The Doors on late night cable. It got me thinking about that William Blake line: "If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite." Soon after I sat down and started writing about doors and perception and my perception of doors, just messing around really, and soon enough I had the beginnings of this thing.

Influences: Richard Brautigan's "Trout Fishing in America," William Eggleston's "Guide," and most importantly the architectural features of American homes.