Matthew Vollmer



Are you failing? You can't look your best without rest. Take a tip from Hollywood. Say goodbye to pins and belt. Beautiful hands can be yours. If the thought of washday sometimes leaves you cold, think of the Eskimo women in Labrador. Expert milliners are in demand. My fur coat will be beautiful all season. Spun of pure surgical cotton. Lovelier bosom contours. So proudly we hail. Both shoes and feet can take it without a whimper. Let's go dancing tonight. If you have no organic disorder. Holy catfish! Shears are found today in strange surroundings. More protection against leg chilling. You should see my final chore. A wilted collar. Weapons of mercy. A comfort cushion. Moisture guidance control. Fine surgical gauze. What better gift could there be than bedsocks? For flat-chested, normal, or full figures. Believe me, they went over with a bang. Scientifically reliable to aid in changing a look of fatigue. You can't afford to take chances. It can happen to you. Endurance counts. Just tilt head back and put drops into each nostril. If you have always had your heart set on owning a pump, don't delay. Flesh color, washable. Right now, we are serving the boys overseas. Remember the name, the neglected fourth dimension of your body. Write or phone. Today, when all fabrics are scarce. Invisible from the front. Why take chances? Cultivate the healthful habit of hygienic cleanliness. Make richer, browner, tastier gravy. How gay! Unsanitary film collects constantly. But don't worry, it even cleans the hidden trap. Where can I buy a magic wand? You have been promised many peace time miracles. Hit worms hard. Soften gelatin in cold coffee. Add corn syrup. Previous experience proved unnecessary. Note the amount of stringy matter expelled. Made in America by Americans. Rich in dextrose sugar. Lasts years. Marvelously soil resistant. Don't hoard. Do you know six pounds when you lift it? Marge has all the luck. Add life and interest to any bathroom. Bake cookies for the men. Yesterday's salmon loaf or cooked veal, asparagus, or string bean become magnificent opportunities for today's salads. One quick application. As easy as dusting. Back the attack. I like mine buttered. Serve it throughout the year as a meat extender. Take my word for it. Your tape measure tells you. Particularly neat under slacks and may be worn in the tub or shower. For daintiness. When cooking, wear simple dresses. Dry cleaning at home is a good way to get wings and a harp. Make minor repairs with adhesive tape. Durable buttons. Don't waste soap! Thousands of young couples today are planning their future homes. Natural tang and zest. As good and delicious to eat as the golden corn from which it comes. If you've never been dive-bombed, you don't know how your trigger-finger itches. Magnetize your lips. In thrilling shades. The ammunition of the home front is food. Just paste it on a penny postal. What I need is four pairs of hands. This is a serious objective of our government to which we subscribe. The stately elegance that colored this period of American history has been extolled in silver. No mouth-puckering medicine taste. America needs your eyes. A laboratory with over 100 years experience in making fine drugs. Should oil be used all over my baby's body? Children must have iron for good red blood. Keep elimination regular. Make your mind as blank as a coral polyp. Lubricate with cream. Nothing shatters a man's defensives like a super-smooth complexion. Thousands use it. Disappears from sight. A fragrant cloud of powder. Extra stimulation is good for every skin, especially the sluggish type. Every day is maid's day out now. A popular after turkey climax is a piping hot pudding. Plans change as quick as a telegraph message. Most women don't know that frost should be removed. Mother, it's your wartime duty.




I have a lot of old magazines. The best part of these magazines, sometimes, are the ads. They implore. They interrogate. They predict and warn. They promise transformation. I wondered what would happen if I took an issue of one of these old magazines and, stealing language from these advertisements, cobbled together a new narrative. What voice would emerge? What preoccupations? This mad little ditty is what resulted.