[ToC]

 

3 TRIGGERS

Janna Plant

So I was at this poetry reading, and this chick was reading a poem she wrote about the time when Belladonna—the porn star—was interviewed by Diane Sawyer. I had just finished reading my own work, so was still running through my performance, remembering where I fucked up and all that, so I wasn't paying much attention to her. Plus the chick oversold the damn piece right from the beginning by saying that she wasn't go to disappoint us—that we "would end the night with a bang, literally." So she's going on, inhabiting the body of Belladonna—then the body of Diane Sawyer—then there's a bit about Diane walking in on Mike Nichols with a woody, getting started a little early on Diane's Belladonna research. The basic gist of the poem regarded the way in which people are alternately visible and invisible to one another. I was getting antsy—the poem was too neatly done; it wasn't saying anything about language; it wasn't arguing with itself; and there was the obligatory shout-out to Adrienne Rich, and scuba diving the shipwreck and all that. I was watching the way the chick's mouth moved—it was so much different than mine. You know, I've got this bottom-jaw-only thing—remnants of the old under bite or something—and hers was more normal, whatever the hell that is. Anyway, and her hair—it was just kind of stationary in two little crinkly buns on the top of her head. She had this white sweater on, and it had one of those freakishly-large cowl necks. I imagined a baby resting in it. (Looked like a great little hammock). So, she hammers toward the finish line, with Diane Sawyer talking directly to Belladonna, asserting that she, Diane, can see her, Belladonna, in her dead space, and that she, Diane, thinks that you, Belladonna "can see me." At the moment of the direct hit, the poet looked excitedly into my eyes, and stayed staring for a seriously uncomfortable amount of time. She wasn't smiling, just excitedly staring. This is the point where we were all clapping, and I shocked a smile to my lips, and she did this precious little curtsy and got off the stage.  I wasn't sure if she was Diane Sawyer, seeing me in my "dead space" (you know, that she was pissed because I was enjoying the rerun of my own performance over the novelty of the way she was "banging" me), OR if she had pleased herself by the fact that she had talked about porn in public (in the same way that I will be pleased when I finish telling you this story).
     I left after the reading, and never went back. This narrative won't go back. My boyfriend wanted to go back. He said, "She totally wanted to fuck you!" He thinks that every girl wants to fuck me. I kept driving.
     Anyway—I started researching Belladonna's work over the course of her career. (This stuff is really easy to find if you're not already familiar with it: Google "Belladonna Jail-Gangbang," and "Belladonna Double-Anal").  It's really interesting because the jail scene is early in her career, and you can see that there is a point where she OD's on all the cum—you know, that she's still in touch with her body—seems like—because the camera is locked straight on her face while she swallows round after round of the loads—there are twelve guys in line for the ferris wheel—but at one point (around 37-minutes in) she's starting to gag (slash) drown in all of it, and she puts her hands up to cover her face. At 38-minutes this happens again. It's interesting too because just before this, she's had an orgasm—that no one seems to notice.
     So, later in her career, she's doing a lot of double-anal, and always seems to be marveling at the fact that she's doing double-anal rather than actually being enraptured by the experience—so it's kind of funny because during the scenes, she's just smiling, and looking from the camera to her ass and back—this on repeat—until the guys finish. I found it kind of interesting, I don't know if you would. 
      One of the upsides to all of this research was that I—enjoyed the free orgasms, of course—but also that I found a fantastic monologue by another porn star, Tori Black—here it is:

My best experience in the movie? […] When I took it all in my ass. To be perfectly honest, there are some things that I feel—like—I could never do. And anytime I trump one of those ideas… I tell myself: you could never fit a dick that big in your ass. You could never be comfortable enough, you could never crave it enough, you could—even if you did you wouldn't LOVE it; you'd hate it. You know what? As he was doing it—If, if you watch it, I start pulling back, No-No—No-No, I'm not gonna let myself. And then, somehow, whatever let go, some something snapped in my brain and all of a sudden—it was in. Completely in! And I LOVED it! It was like, What the fuck is going on? My (w)hole, my (w)hole, I'm—I fit it? Okay, first: I fit it. Then, I love it. And then he's fucking me hard. He GAVE it to me. It was not a pussy sh(ot)—There was no—There was no like, I'm gonna hold back and I know you haven't had a dick this big. It was, No! You're gonna take it, and you're gonna love it, and I DID! And my (w)hole body was shaking and I couldn't breathe and, I think at one point I was drooling on myself. Like I—. It was—. At that moment, I knew that I had really—ah— experienced something that I never thought I would EVER experience in my life. I had dicks in my ass, um nothing that big, and nothing that intense. And I—honestly—I didn't know I could do it. I didn't know I could do it. I knew that I would do my best to do a great scene. I knew that I would give it my all, but DAMN! I did not—I did not—anticipate that one.

 

 

 

 

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